Strangled

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I’ve been trying.. for a  long time…

To be happy.

Playing with these words like they will change something.

Playing with my heart like it means something.

What else can I do?

 

I’m strangled in the days.

Shadows are a comfort. No one is looking.

Time is weighing me down.

Hope is a burden when you seem to be the only one…

 

Fighting against myself.

Against my own instincts.

Trust…

I must not trust myself.

Is there good reason?

 

We are going to the Ocean…

I think I want it to cleanse me. I deserve to be cleansed, to be renewed. It has been too long.

 

I have a fond memory of the ocean.. There is only one memory, many in one…

The lapping of the waves.. my tongue

The soothing breeze… breath on your thighs

The rocky walls we walked upon.. a divide between right and wrong.. between past and present.. Between where we are and were and would never be again.  You trusted me… I don’t trust myself.

Perhaps for good reason.

I tire so easily now. I’m doing more cardio…

My moods are less extreme

I miss them.

I want to break out.. through.. go beyond and let loose.

Why is drinking, sex and  drugs the fall back.. why is that rock n roll?

 

Where is the excitement?

 

Is that life?

No.. we say it’s in every moment.

But I’m dreading my moments lately..

I hear a thousand voices of advice.. I see a million words of holy books and prayers rattled in the wind. Wisdom knows that is truth but so is now.. and here .. and what I feel and what prattles in my mind amongst itself. I know the words you have in response and I don’t want to hear them!!!

I don’t want to hear the same thing over and over… doesn’t anyone understand .. nothing is more maddening then repetition… repetition… repetition…

I need something new!! Always this desire and the frustration of the realization that this will happen again..

I can’t explain it..

I fail to convey the hopelessness.

I could color a picture

but that is old

 and does not truly hold the truth of the emotions.

I could sing.. but I don’t sing and that alone makes me cry.

I don’t even know why I’m here, writing this.

To what gain? There is no beauty in it. This exasperating exhaling of existentialism … it to is not new under the sun.

Fighting

It again has been a long time since I have written. I get caught in life and forget to live and just sort of go through the maze of days accepting the exhaustion. I finally found time to sit and write and feel and think and this is what happens

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You are the latest way to forget myself

To look beyond this world, this perception of negativity.

You are the lens that bends, reconstitutes and makes right all the twisted and worthless ideas which have walked through my brain

You are the defibrillator that has jolted my heart to the realization I was dead.

You are the latest thing, person…NOUN

To reinvigorate this stale carcass, this banal beast of habitual repetition

That which has been down, drowned, sinking into that inevitable abyss of loneliness

 

But you are just a hope, a dream, an ideal.

Simply another that is at arm’s length and a hearts beat of manipulation away

 

I stand fighting my mind, my spirit, and soul…

None of which have a true understanding of the situation, no true conception, that emotions are deceptive and arrogant assholes that hold no regard to the outcome of their insistence.

 

I am fighting my being…

I don’t want to hurt.

However; in any instance that I turn, I face the inoperable decision that will lead me towards more of the same.

To stay alone is a pain like frostbite

To journey forward and leave myself open

To allow prying eyes to see that which has been guarded

Becomes harder and harder everyday that passes.

No Pretense

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I don’t feel like rhyming

 

No pretense.

No lies.

 

This hurts…

even if I knew it was coming.

 

Lets be real, because you always were.

I was waiting for it.

We all were…

Every phone call was a reminder that you were too far away for me to change anything.

I was at the will of time…life… circumstance.

And now I mourn from that same distance…

 

I have missed you for a long time.

I wanted more but I couldn’t seem to make it happen.

I hope you understood… I was trying.

 

Most of you is in my head, stories from those that were closer to you.

Nearer.

Metal and Mathematics ..

Hard worker.. family man.

I never understood it.

You were someone outside of my world?

I just knew the man that cooked the meals

Who ruled the house.

It didn’t matter to me that there was more.

I was happy with what I knew.

 

When the end was creeping toward you

I wanted to say you had no fear.

You had No Fear of the living. But you did fear death. We talked.

I Feared for you because you feared for death but life was a joke you didn’t want to laugh at.

You were scared but you told me God was a joke we tried not go there but eventually we did.

I could hear your youth through the phone but boredom as well.

You still wanted to hunt for mushrooms and hang out at a bar. You wanted to gather around family like we did in the past. But that was the past…

You wanted your sons to care.

You wanted what you felt you paid in, to now be paid out.

Thankful of what you had but regret…. Regret…

 

Every phone call was the same questions.. we were both bored. Not sure what to talk about we fumbled over words. I wanted to say I love you because I knew…

You said it once.

It was uncomfortable for you…..

 I will cherish it.

 

A lot of talk about the Cubs and the ineptitude of Cutler.

You said Fuck, shit, and asshole

And I could only laugh.

I named my son after your middle name….

That was my way of saying I loved you…

Not sure you ever knew that

 

 

I remember dandelions for a penny..

Hands the size of my face…

The ice cream man on Sundays.

I feared my nose would be as large as yours

Now I’m proud of my nose.

My middle name, is your first name. I always took pride in that.

 

I don’t know how to give you justice the way you deserve.

I can’t seem to make this poem beautiful

But maybe that’s what would be best

Because beautiful was not something you cared for.

Truth, is more befitting.

 

I feel like these words should be better because they are about you.

The world should know who you were.

 

To the world you were a no body

Just another Polish man with no education.

Just another fool with no direction.

To the world you were nothing to admire

But to me you were worth my aspiration and that was all I had to give you.

 

I know you had your faults but I never saw them.

As I grew I realized I didn’t think like you

And in our arguments I still loved you

Respected you.

You were a Union man through and through, no budging, a Chicago man.

You were stubborn as a bull

As strong as an ox

You struck fear in those you chose to

And could be facetious on command.

I remember shaking your hand

At 85.

You were still stronger than me.

I can’t remember everything about you

That bothers me.

I want to have a pristine idea of who you were.

I want to share everything you were to me with every one else.

I know the world doesn’t care

But I do.

 

 

I can’t tell you exactly why you mattered so much.

Words are failing to truly convey the magnitude of your presence in the lives of this family.

And to know that you are gone…

I may have actually believed you were going to live forever.

In my childish desire to relive my youth, I may have wanted that.

Even though I knew you were ready.

 

I hate that I never had a chance to introduce my children to you.

I hate it!!

You would have loved them… and quickly told them to shut the hell up.

 The moments you orchestrated in my youth.. the fact that you formed a family that made such memories is a testament to you.

Yes.. we were fucked up.

We made our mistakes. But the hell if we don’t love each other

And I credit that to you.

 

What scares me now is that the initial shock is over and passing..

I’m scared that it’s all going to fade away.

I’m afraid that memories will be washed away

And you will just become an anecdote

Or a name and some dates on Ancestory.com

I don’t want it to happen like everything else to be washed over and forgotten

Your worthy of more then that.

But the best I have to offer…

Is this.

“I love you”

and it’s ok. I don’t expect a response. I know how uncomfortable it made you feel.

Elephant

ineffablemrjones:

it’s just been a while. I am currently writing another story and wanted to test the waters again. Please take the time to read this.. I know it’s a little long.. but it’s also short :)

Originally posted on ineffablemrjones:

He spends hours of days trying to convince himself it’s all ok; everyday a little less of him to remember, a little less of them. He works, he sleeps, he sifts through the minutes. He’s been trying to escape from his former life like a shadow running from Peter Pan and his little fairy, who are trying to sew him back together to anchor him down but he can’t stand it anymore, can’t stand being tied down. There isn’t anything worth being tied to anymore. He once had faith but faith didn’t serve him as much as he served it. Substance of things hoped for; yet everything is unseen. He searched for God and could not find him when he ached for him the most he could not hear him. Pastors with so much wisdom tried to guide him tried to be a shepherd to a lamb that did not…

View original 7,200 more words

Volcano

sort of a continuation of my last poem, or at least a continuation of the emotions from the last poem. Trying to deal with a situation and the only way I seem to be able to is put it into words but even then there are remnants left behind.. which simply means there is going to be more and more of these until I spew it all out I suppose. anyway…. Enjoy!

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There’s a volcano in my chest, near my heart

 

I feel hot

 

Thinking of the things we’ve done.

They’re embarrassing,

But they were fun.

I enjoyed them even though we shouldn’t have.

We shouldn’t have done them

 

There’s a volcano stirring in my chest..

Emotions and thoughts..

Lava disrupted by the fear of loss

Love… melting…

There is something more then words can bring to life forming within me!!

 

I’m not living or dying..

 

I’m burning

Succumbing..

 

I’m losing you, the idea of you

The taste and smell of you….

And I can!

Even if you are not mine. Even if you never really were..

Even if you are branded by an institution

I am still losing you!

Because I don’t believe in the propriety of individuals

You sell yourself to who you please when you please

Because we are not just a democracy

But a capitalist enterprise

On a mission to discover new worlds

And think and act in new ways

I am losing you… and I can!!

 

There is something growing in me..

Not entirely sure it’s a good thing.

 

There is something more then words can bring to life forming within me!!

 

I built it up and tore it down,

All my aspirations.

All my learning undiscovered

In search of lustful longing…

To this I cry, life I’m yearning

Lost within my own contorting

 Melodious harmony

my lies must be forming

I see Flocks of swans gather,

 It’s most disconcerting…

 There is something more then words can bring to life forming within me!!

 

I’m racked with fear of loneliness…

You were an honest friend.

Your smile more then mended pains

It built strength within.

Laughing, Life again plays a prank,

Friend or lover I simply can not make.

My term is up the beast is moaning

I shall give birth to guilt and mourning

 

There is something more then words can bring to life forming within me!! 

Coal

ineffablemrjones:

never really got the attention I felt it should… so, just throwing it out there again.

Originally posted on ineffablemrjones:

so I feel horribly behind on my 30 day challenge.. frankly, I failed. I will not stop trying for the rest of the month but life became a little much. I am coach for a track team at my school.. coach for my son’s baseball team and trying to maintain my classroom as my first year as a teacher… oh, and still foster a healthy relationship and raise my two boys… I am tired. so here is my latest poem.. it very much mirrors my state of mind right now… a little all over the place…..ENJOY!

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I’m dragging …

Slipping…

gasping…

 

 

Waves, splashing, foaming.

Current.. pulling…

 

I’m dragging..

A magnet of shit…

 

I have raw lips… kissing you is not doing the trick.

 

I’m dragging…

 

As life goes on, I am Griswald’s dog tied to a destiny.

 

Snow flake tears are…

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State of Things

This one has been building with in me for a while now. It’s nice to be able to verbalize it in my own way. Hope you enjoy!

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Is this the state of things?

Is this truly what it has come to?

All that we’ve felt..

All that we have gone through!

 

Is this the state of things?

Your anchor has returned

so the pillar must crumble.

Is your assumption to be sent back reeling?

 

Is this the state of things?

Desperation in loneliness

Oneness, nothingness…

Is this the state of me?

 

Is this the state of things?

Molecular degeneration of the spiritual anomaly,

faith!

Weakening of fortitude,

Jericho falling,

Leprosy of the mind,

Ideals swelling.

 

Is this the state of things?

Ambivalence laughing like a lunatic in the

Deepest depths of your sub conscience.

Reality revealing it’s self through your pragmatic philosophy, political persuasion, sexual selection, religious reverence, naïve neglect to protect your own understanding of the state of things.  

 

Is this the state of things?!

 

Is this the truth?

Hearts beating wildly

 skin pressed melting

Lives over lapping

in a knot…

 

Is this the state of things?

Our moments now fleeting..

Is this the truth we see

Or just more imagery,

Allegory,

Simile…

Everything but reality…

 

Is this the state of things?

Everyday back to perfect symmetry.

Friday and Saturday,

No different from any other day.

Everyday cosplay,

hiding in duality,

Hiding from identity…

Can truth be an invisible referee?

To witness but not call foul, the misdirection of our affection.

Can we go forward and pretend that no penalty was committed?

That our actions have not afflicted.

How many lies everyday were perpetrated

To console the hearts of two insistent

On pleasing their own penchant

Toward destruction?

 

Is this the state of things?

Has this been the state of “us” since the beginning?

Have we hid from everyone and even ourselves?

So much so, that we cannot define the state of things?

where I am..

It’s been a long time… hope this was worth the wait, if you were waiting at all…

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I’ve been here before.

Where ever I am.

I was not alone like I am now.

I remember Eric – the weather –

Smoking and fear,

Life has lost it’s fear.

 

There used to be uniqueness to the days, a freshness and anticipation,

But lately there is just memories.

I’m dying…

Somewhere along the line I began

To die…

Some where, I became who I am

And I died..

Is it Winter? Why is it so hot?

I’m dying…

Conservation of me,

All of me?

I remember being here before, in this moment,

Sweating in the winter,

My flesh hungry

My soul screaming and my spirit dry.

Is it Winter?

Because I can’t wait for Spring Training, this is the year!

 

It’s the smell

Something is triggering me.

                I think it’s the smell

Something isn’t right. This is too familiar. I know these people.

                Pretty sure it’s the smell.

Can I avoid the same mistakes? You call this free will?

Can I evolve into something better? Is evolution always good? Does it always succeed?

                It smells odd in here

I like Vonnegut

Days like lavender languidly linger as little leafs floating in the Autumn breeze

 carrying the smell of broiled meats and baking pastries

                It is the smell

A slaughterhouse, maybe 5

They smell like Chicago

I miss home

                I think that’s the smell

                I smell Home.

 

Sincere

just another one of those odd ones… Enjoy!!

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Sincere..

sin seer…

singe, singer ….

 

Two.. two mourning…

two morrow.. sorrow.. two much!

Hollow…

Sleepy, dreary, love is singed in my heart and needy.

I need it..

 

We’re alone.. weren’t alone.. we are not

Are not alone.. we…. Are we not alone?

 

In need of it.

I need it.

 

Stormy.. show me.. show men..

 we all perform for all men

Men tall.. short, strong…perform to gain affection

Mental attraction.

 many..

many moments in mutated mockery  

morose malpractice…

men… meant two… two many..

it’s lonely two day in the rain.

Funny.

 

It’s dark in my heart lately. Monsoons growling.

The desert lurks behind the black vale of night.

It’s here .. somewhere.

I lost it somewhere along the line.

Lion.. you are a lying fool.

You lie to yourself.

I am allergic to everything.

Your full… fool… two much truth ..

I lost it.

 

Desert bloom.

 

This is getting to be two much

This duality in me.

We struggle to find balance in the bickering of peace.

 

My body aches in the anticipation of stress…

 

 

Christmas on the fourth of the July

Sometimes I really feel sorry for all of you that follow this blog. Especially after something like this. I just can’t form clear coherent thoughts lately and so I decided to unload anything. I sort of like it. We shall see if you guys do. It’s interesting to say the least. ENJOY!

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Some where in my heart is a love. I can’t understand everything but it’s still a desire. I can’t love all the time nor can you. I try too often to be more then I am. It is my AMERICAN  dream to be what I feel I should be because I was told I could be anything! I am something. Something indefinable, unrecognizable.

I was told that God is always with me. God is always with you. You too? God, where is he? I was told so many things but now I am childish for expecting them to have been real. Where do are expectations take us? They are the dark matter of hope. Hope is bright and fluffy with a silver lining expectations are the same but they grow roots of bitterness if not achieved.  

This is Thursday in an early Monday mood. Time is non existent but it flies. Sometimes I a lie.

It’s a few days from celebration burnt crayons in the sky, sky bright sky light I look for ward to a time away from life. I wish all the things I meant to say would be said. In this one line here so you all understood and empathized….. Did you feel that?

Words are just a dancing of the heart … and I can’t dance.

It’s Wednesday… on a Saturday morning.. no cartoons. Just the modern excuse to not exercise… it’s too hot.. it’s dry.. it’s still hot!

Somewhere in my heart is a love for a girl that I once loved but no longer do in the way I did.

“She is pretty great though.”

The fear of life is overwhelming. The joy of family is swelling. There is never enough of what you need and always more then enough leftovers of the stuff with bad after taste.

This is life.

“Hello”

This is Christmas on the fourth of the July.

I have love in my heart for someone but I don’t know how to access it.

Love is a misnomer. I have a heart and I wish to share it but only in safe intervals.

This is Love.

“What’s up?”

I loved her more then anyone because she never acted like she cared all that much; yet, I know she did.

“I love you”

Irony. She is a Sunday afternoon on a Tuesday evening  and I am a Friday night and Saturday night rolled into an unemployed hypocrite begging for change outside of a Federal building or selling newspapers on street corners to drivers reading my paper on their phone.

I have up side but no trade value.

I have a heart to share. It’s Monday but I swear yesterday was Friday.