I don’t feel like rhyming
even if I knew it was coming.
Lets be real, because you always were.
I was waiting for it.
We all were…
Every phone call was a reminder that you were too far away for me to change anything.
I was at the will of time…life… circumstance.
And now I mourn from that same distance…
I have missed you for a long time.
I wanted more but I couldn’t seem to make it happen.
I hope you understood… I was trying.
Most of you is in my head, stories from those that were closer to you.
Metal and Mathematics ..
Hard worker.. family man.
I never understood it.
You were someone outside of my world?
I just knew the man that cooked the meals
Who ruled the house.
It didn’t matter to me that there was more.
I was happy with what I knew.
When the end was creeping toward you
I wanted to say you had no fear.
You had No Fear of the living. But you did fear death. We talked.
I Feared for you because you feared for death but life was a joke you didn’t want to laugh at.
You were scared but you told me God was a joke we tried not go there but eventually we did.
I could hear your youth through the phone but boredom as well.
You still wanted to hunt for mushrooms and hang out at a bar. You wanted to gather around family like we did in the past. But that was the past…
You wanted your sons to care.
You wanted what you felt you paid in, to now be paid out.
Thankful of what you had but regret…. Regret…
Every phone call was the same questions.. we were both bored. Not sure what to talk about we fumbled over words. I wanted to say I love you because I knew…
You said it once.
It was uncomfortable for you…..
I will cherish it.
A lot of talk about the Cubs and the ineptitude of Cutler.
You said Fuck, shit, and asshole
And I could only laugh.
I named my son after your middle name….
That was my way of saying I loved you…
Not sure you ever knew that
I remember dandelions for a penny..
Hands the size of my face…
The ice cream man on Sundays.
I feared my nose would be as large as yours
Now I’m proud of my nose.
My middle name, is your first name. I always took pride in that.
I don’t know how to give you justice the way you deserve.
I can’t seem to make this poem beautiful
But maybe that’s what would be best
Because beautiful was not something you cared for.
Truth, is more befitting.
I feel like these words should be better because they are about you.
The world should know who you were.
To the world you were a no body
Just another Polish man with no education.
Just another fool with no direction.
To the world you were nothing to admire
But to me you were worth my aspiration and that was all I had to give you.
I know you had your faults but I never saw them.
As I grew I realized I didn’t think like you
And in our arguments I still loved you
You were a Union man through and through, no budging, a Chicago man.
You were stubborn as a bull
As strong as an ox
You struck fear in those you chose to
And could be facetious on command.
I remember shaking your hand
You were still stronger than me.
I can’t remember everything about you
That bothers me.
I want to have a pristine idea of who you were.
I want to share everything you were to me with every one else.
I know the world doesn’t care
But I do.
I can’t tell you exactly why you mattered so much.
Words are failing to truly convey the magnitude of your presence in the lives of this family.
And to know that you are gone…
I may have actually believed you were going to live forever.
In my childish desire to relive my youth, I may have wanted that.
Even though I knew you were ready.
I hate that I never had a chance to introduce my children to you.
I hate it!!
You would have loved them… and quickly told them to shut the hell up.
The moments you orchestrated in my youth.. the fact that you formed a family that made such memories is a testament to you.
Yes.. we were fucked up.
We made our mistakes. But the hell if we don’t love each other
And I credit that to you.
What scares me now is that the initial shock is over and passing..
I’m scared that it’s all going to fade away.
I’m afraid that memories will be washed away
And you will just become an anecdote
Or a name and some dates on Ancestory.com
I don’t want it to happen like everything else to be washed over and forgotten
Your worthy of more then that.
But the best I have to offer…
“I love you”
and it’s ok. I don’t expect a response. I know how uncomfortable it made you feel.